


like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body

by constanted



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Botany Similies and Metaphors, Caduceus Clay's Totally Great Mental Health Situation, First Crush, Holy Symbols, M/M, Mid-Episode 88, Pining, Repression, bed sharing, fellas...
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-13
Updated: 2019-12-13
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:21:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21784378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/constanted/pseuds/constanted
Summary: He is rather proud of his own handiwork, though. And Fjord liked it, which is important. Very important. For no reason. At all. Because Caduceus does not want to have any feelings for Fjord that aren’t “you’re doing great, bud!” or “let’s work on your bad habits, man.” He has never, in his life, thought about applying the lessons in kissing orcs that Jester’s books have given him to reality. Because that would be weird. And Caduceus is already weird enough.(or: Caduceus, in the cottage, has a crush. Which is horribly inconvenient for times like this. Or, really, any time at all.)
Relationships: Caduceus Clay/Fjord
Comments: 21
Kudos: 277





	like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body

**Author's Note:**

> talks this week and then the holy symbol scene vindicated so many of my cad takes. i love it. i'm eating well, and i'm crying all the way through it.
> 
> so, uh, here's another "dumb idiot has a crush on another dumb idiot" fic, i guess
> 
> title from richard siken's "you are jeff."

He really did intend to sleep on the floor, is the thing, but he’d been sitting on the bed when he and Fjord started talking, and he’d just sort of stayed there, because he didn’t want to make noise to make it harder for Fjord to sleep, and, really, the bed’s closer to the walls, so if something goes wrong, it’ll be easier to hear.

No other reasons. At all.

He hates this city. He wants to leave this city. He wants to go back to knowing, and he also wants to go back to not having to hide Melora’s light. His hand hovers over the crystal on Fjord’s symbol, doesn’t touch it—that’s rude. That’s wrong.

He is rather proud of his own handiwork, though. And Fjord liked it, which is important. Very important. For no reason. At all. Because Caduceus does not want to have any feelings for Fjord that aren’t “you’re doing great, bud!” or “let’s work on your bad habits, man.” He has never, in his life, thought about applying the lessons in kissing orcs that Jester’s books have given him to reality. Because that would be weird. And Caduceus is already weird enough. 

He tries to sneak under the covers. It disturbs Fjord, just a little, mostly-asleep and splaying out an arm, muttering something in Orcish—he’d asked what language Fjord used in his sleep, once, back on the ship, and Fjord, nervously, had clarified. After some explaining; “Yeah, you don’t speak Common—neither do I, Beau told me I sometimes talk in Elvish, but, uh. It’s just interesting.” And Fjord had looked relieved, then.

Which makes sense, now, Caduceus supposes. Fjord was afraid of his Captain’s voice leaving him while he dreamt. It’s good that his shoulders are a little lighter, now. And Orcish does sound kind of familiar, which is nice; his father spoke a lot of Giant, back when he was still there. And Giant has those same strong first-syllables, the round sounds.

Fjord rolls onto his side, facing Caduceus. His eyes are closed. Recklessly, Caduceus pushes some of the hair off of his forehead. His mouth is slightly open, his upper lip caught a bit on the tip of the tusk. It’s endearing, really. 

It’s not Caduceus’ business to be endeared. That’s inappropriate, and wrong—Fjord doesn’t need that burden, emotionally, and it might come across as manipulative, and, really, pathetic as it may sound, he wouldn’t like these people to leave him, so.

Caduceus exhales.

Fjord murmurs, again, Caduceus hears the Giant word for _dearest_ , hears his own name, he swears. But, like the King said earlier, Caduceus isn’t so bright. He’s probably imagining things. He’s decent at imagining things; Beau’s often asked him, brows furrowed, “how the _fuck_ you get from this topic to that,” he’s had particularly vivid nightmares lately, and Shadycreek knows him as a terribly dangerous and paranoid witch. His brain is an irrational one, and he needs to figure out how to nip this whole “feelings” thing in the bud. Like getting rid of a weed that kills flowers. He wants to take care of these people, not take from them. Taking care of these people is his job, and bringing his usual selfishness into his job will help nobody.

Fjord rolls back onto his back, splays his arm out again, lands one on Caduceus’ chest. It’s a pleasant, dangerous weight. He does not move it. Because he is selfish.

He thinks, for a moment, that he should allow himself a little bit of selfishness. Putting feelings away for later or destroying them completely is unhealthy, he knows, because his other job was helping people go through their feelings. But a crush on Fjord isn’t anything like mourning; it’s the opposite.

So it’s hard to apply his own advice, here. Really. He could ask Beau, or Jester, they’re both smart about these sorts of things. But Jester at least used to have feelings for Fjord—Nott was always talking about it—which means it might endanger his connection with her, because of jealousy. And Beau has more important matters to deal with. 

Maybe a less-than-serious conversation about something like this with Yasha could help her feel more connected with the group? That’s an option. But that’s selfish. He’s making excuses. He breathes in, out. Whispers a prayer to Melora in Sylvan, because She likes it when he uses Sylvan, because he learned it all for Her even when the others were working on their Celestial or their Dwarvish. But the thought is kind of a rough reminder that, yeah, he’s… very different than the others, and now he’s nervous, again, and what if there’s insistence in the group that everyone alerts their families that they’re interfering in global politics? Then he’d have to lie to the Nein, because he’d sound like the worst person if he told the truth, and he doesn’t want pity, because he does not want to take from them, but he also does not want to lie.

He breathes, lets sleep take him before he can fall into panic. He dreams mostly about knives to the back, but the knives turn into teeth. It’s not a pleasant dream.

And then he wakes up. Fjord getting out of bed, a slight creak of the mattress.

“Morning,” he offers, and Fjord says, “Morning,” back. Nods. 

They get dressed. Caduceus looks at the floor the entire time.

Fjord adjusts his cloak. Fixes his hair, looking in the mirror, which has no dust on it. Caduceus follows suit, ties his hair on top of his head into a little bun. Fjord pulls a few strands out and into his face, says, “Let it be a little… wild,” and that’s a nice pun, isn’t it. Caduceus laughs, lets himself look at Fjord a second too long, and—

“You have your symbol out.”

“Yeah?”

“I… thank you. For keeping it, but you really don’t have to, here. Not with who we’re talking to, today. I’d rather you not get yourself hurt on my account—”

“You keep your earrings in, carry your crystal around. Jester keeps her symbols out. Yasha, too, I think—is the Stormlord legal here?“

“I… I don’t believe so. No, He’s not. But… Those were our choices. You don’t have to.”

“I’d like to. Trust me. And perhaps it’ll be nice to have a reminder of the unyielding?”

Caduceus smiles. Nearly sighs. “If you say so.”

“And I think I’d like to show this off to our friends, at least. Might make them a bit jealous, yeah?” And that’s a look of smugness, a look of affection, and Caduceus feels like he might melt.

Ugh. He doesn’t like this at all. But he keeps smiling. Chuckles. “If you insist.”

And Fjord starts leading him out the door. “I do.”

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr @yahooanswer  
> kudo, comment, etc! i have so many papers to write!


End file.
